I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
