"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
