Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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