rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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