Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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