It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
