was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
