u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize