well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
