i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
