i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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