Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
