well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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