god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
