he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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