I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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