I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
