What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
