I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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