i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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