3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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