I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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