Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize