Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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