The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
