SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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