Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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