just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
