This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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