i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
