from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
