So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
