The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Floor bacon is actually really good
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
