never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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