i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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