i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
