it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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