mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
