Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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