i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
