Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
