dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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