i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
