We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
PANTIES FOUND
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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