We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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