I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
