dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Randomize
