Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize