This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
