Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
