I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
