I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
