We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
