I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
