shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
