I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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