nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
