life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
