Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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