I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
