I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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