I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I checked into jail on foursquare
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize