i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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