I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
