There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
